Loners, Love, and Everything in Between
by diceWW
Summary: In which we become witness to the thoughts of our favorite loner in regards to loners, love, and the girl that he loves. Maybe (WARNING: 98% Monologue) (Added follow-up chapter which is 100% monologue)
1. Hachilogue

**Loners, Love, and Everything in Between**

Since time immemorial, loners were always considered the outcasts of society. They are the irregulars, the abnormals, the accursed, the impure, the… hmm, yeah I know. I'm just spouting flowery words, when all in all, they mean one and same. But you did get my point right?

There is just this social stigma against loners that even upto now, in an age where same sex marriage is already accepted, still exists. In every point in life, loners are the most likely target of bullying, hate, ostracizing, et cetera et cetera. Just… why? I just don't get the logic the behind their reasoning.

I mean, okay, I get that loners are easy pickings for bullies because they (the loners) almost always never fight back. Knowing that bullies are actually just cowards who think that showing that you're tough makes people respect you when in fact it doesn't, that does seem to be a valid argument. I get that. We don't need to apply much logic to that.

What I don't get though is why society has this insatiable need to berate people who prefer to live in solitude a.k.a loners. What have loners ever done to you huh?! Have loners been actively doing harm to you? Why all this animosity towards them?! It's like just them existing is already an offense to you! JUST WHY?!

As a loner myself, I have already received plenty criticisms regarding my choice of living. _Why don't you go out more? Why don't you talk to more people? Why are you always on your own? If you stay that way, you won't find yourself a wife you know?_

…

What's wrong with living the loner life anyway? Why do these people have this impulsive need to make me comply to their way of living? Have I ever called them out on the way they're living?

…yeah, I probably did. B-but only mentally! I have never actually any called riajuu out on the pathetic way they're living their lives as far as I remember! Uhmm-hmm. I swear with all my Hachiman heart!

Well okay, it has been generally accepted that us humans are considered to be social animals, hence why we have societies. I understand that. But why won't they understand that there will be exceptions? Not everyone has this need of socializing. Some people are already content to be just by themselves. Why can't society accept that? Why must they always shove their ideals onto me? Let me live my own life my own way dammit!

Stupid society and their stupid mantra. _OooOoohhhHh but it is every man's social responsibility to be of help to anyone_. _OooOooohhh it is every man's social responsibility to be able to contribute to society in whatever capacity man can. OooooHhhhh it is every man's social responsibility to interact with man's peers. OOOooooHhh it is every man's responsibility to give back to society._

Shut up. Go to hell!

…

You must be wondering ' _what is this idiot talking about?'_ now huh? You're free to not mind me though you know? This is just one of my usual rambling sessions is all. Nothing new here really.

…

Well, it's not really nothing. I'm just occupying myself. Being a loner with a very colorful imagination, I cannot not talk to myself about anything you know? Maybe I could if I had something else to do, but right now, I don't have any other option. I'm waiting for a certain someone you see. I have this 'important' thing to talk about with this certain someone is all.

I'll be having more of these musings while I wait for this certain someone. If you can no longer handle them, feel free to leave. Who gave you permission to read into my thoughts anyway?! My thoughts are my own and you should be ashamed of yourself for digging into them! Mind your own business dammit!

…

You know the saying 'actions speak louder than words'? I find it quite ironic. Just like how words can be interpreted in a lot of ways, actions can be misinterpreted too. So, doesn't that defeat the purpose of that saying? And even if it doesn't, there are certain actions in which words are needed.

Say for example, how would you express your interest/admiration/affection for someone through your actions? Take note that this someone is not yet your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. Can you say with absolute confidence that doing such actions will 108% accurately send without fault the message to this someone? I'd say not. Not always anyways. Not even more often than sometimes. In this situation, you almost always have to express your feelings trough words.

On the other hand, there will be times when such actions could have different intentions. Say, if someone's very caring, attentive to you, you can assume that that someone is interested in you… Right? Can you confidently say that that someone likes you based on just that? What if that someone treats you differently than how that someone treats others? Now, can you absolutely say to yourself that _'ah! This guy/chick really does like me'_?

I wouldn't blame you if your answers to questions are NO. Afterall, as I said earlier, just like how words can be interpreted in multiple ways, actions can be too. So really, the saying 'actions speak louder than words' is just so ironic.

Still not convinced? Why don't we flip the coin one more time then? Say there is this someone. This someone is nice (to the extent of what this someone can) to everyone. This someone is attentive to anyone. This someone is caring to anyone. Needless to say, this someone is nice, attentive, caring to you too. Now, since that everyone's receiving the same treatment from this someone, can you be certain that this someone does not have any interest in you (basing on just the facts above)? Not even the tiniest bit?

It is in these situations that I wish that mankind have already evolved to the point of being able to read minds. No need to act. No need to say anything. Just think. Surely there would be no more misunderstandings by that point. If what one says differ from what one does, no problem. Just read one's mind and everything shall be a-okay.

No matter how we think that our thoughts are fully within our control, the fact is, that is not the truth. We all have this thing called subconscious. As far as I know, not one has managed to control one's subconscious. It is for that reason that I believe that no matter how one directs one's mind far from the truth, one's true thoughts will always leak through one's subconscious.

Surely the world would be a much better place if everyone is able to read anyone's mind noh? No more misunderstandings. No mixed signals. No more beating around the bush. No bullshit. Just plain truth. Cold hard painful truth.

But then again, there is this one ultimate flaw in granting every man the ability to read minds. It is that they'll be able to read your thoughts too, without boundaries, without reservations. I'm sure that everyone has his/her own thoughts that they'd rather keep to themselves. Even husbands have secrets they tend to hide from their wives and vice versa.

Now I don't really mind if all of my thoughts become public information readily available for anyone. Just like right now. I don't even know you and yet here I am letting you read into my thoughts! I don't have anything to hide really. Go ahead and read all of my thoughts for all I care… except for one. Or maybe more than one? Hmm. Let's just make it one category: My thoughts on Lovely My Angel Totsuka-tan. Kyah!

I don't mind if everyone knows of them though... except for one person that matters the most: Lovely My Angel Totsuk- yeah whatever. That joke is already getting old now. I really have to stop doing that. Using Totsuka as some sort of shield. It's disrespectful to him. He does not deserve to be treated like that. Totsuka is a person who deserves respect. Uhm-hmm.

…

Speaking of expressing one's interest/affection for another, have I already told you that Yuigahama confessed to me just the other day? Unbelievable? Neh, I bet that you already saw it coming even from miles away. I kinda did too, but I couldn't be too sure until the words came out from the horse's mouth. Or is cow the more appropriate analogy here? Because, you know…?

As someone who has already experienced many a heartbreak due to misinterpretations and misunderstandings, it's only reasonable for me to assume that nothing's there right? Even with all those obvious signs of affection. Those telltale reactions. Those definitive facial expressions. I wouldn't (want to) think that Yuigahama has a liking towards me unless she says so. In words. Words that cannot in anyway be misunderstood.

So, you must now be wondering what was my answer to her? What happened after her confession? What's our relationship status?

Well, I did say earlier that I'm waiting for someone right? Why don't you take a guess on who's that certain someone is?

…

Let me first answer the question "what was Hachiman's answer to Yuigahama's confession?". If you've been following me from the very first time I started spending time with Yuigahama, the answer should be obvious to you. If you haven't, don't fret. I'll tell you in just a jiffy.

…

Know what, why don't I just answer all the above questions in just one go? First, my answer to her confession was ' _Sorry. I appreciate your feelings but I can't accept them. I won't be able to return if I do. I don't want that. That's not fair to you."._ Next, nothing much happened after. She was able to express her feelings. I was able to express mine. We went home after. Lastly, I believe our relationship is still the same as before. But that's my perspective. I don't know about hers.

Disappointed huh? _Hachiman, that might be your only one chance to be able to snag a hottie!_ I hate to break it to you, but I don't swing that way.

…

NO no. I'm not gay! What I meant by that is that I won't accept a confession just because the confessor is a hottie. That's just superficial! If I'd ever enter into a romantic relationship, I'd want it to be because I have genuine romantic feelings for my to-be-partner.

Besides, I can't really accept Yuigahama's confession. How could I? I just couldn't see a future where I'd be able to fully return her feelings. Saying yes to her would be cruel to her noh? I'd rather hurt her now than later where the wound becomes harder to mend. Accepting her confession just for the sake of not hurting her does more harm than it does good.

But there is a more selfish reason for me not accepting her feelings.

All the while she was pouring her heart out, a certain someone has been floating within my mind. I know. Pretty rude of me right? But I can't help it! It just happened! It's not like I have full control of my thoughts you know?

It was at that point that I've realized that I may have… feelings for that certain someone. I know I know. _Despicable Hachiman! To use someone else's confession to as stimulus to confirm your feelings! Truly despicable!_ But come on! Give me a break. It was even hard to admit to myself you know?

When I think about it though, maybe I already had this affection for her within me way before my realization happened. I just didn't want to admit myself. I pictured my self to be this badass immovable monster who only has emotions for his little sister afterall **[1]**. We all know that I wasn't.

I had always found her to be beautiful. I had always admired her bluntness. I had always found her flaws to be cute and adorable. I had always found her weaknesses, her insecurities to be humanizing.

Yes. I, Hikigaya Hachiman, am in love with Yukinoshita Yukino. Maybe. I think that I do.

And so here I am, waiting for her. I plan to confess my feelings for her. It may appear to be sudden. It may appear to be out of character. But I decided to just let it all out. I'd rather let it out than to keep it bottled within me. Besides, I only plan to confess. I don't really care what happens of it, if something good comes out of it. But hey, if it results to something good, I will welcome it. I am willing to accept change now.

…

Truthfully though, as of the moment, I don't see a future yet where Yukinoshita and I become a couple. And no, I'm not being pessimistic her. Rather, I'm being realistic. I mean, just look at us. We are worlds apart. I just know that her parents won't readily accept me.

But if we're given a chance to be together even if only for a moment, I will surely make the most of it. I will definitely make her not regret. I will fully let her feel my genuine emotion.

But eh, it's a long shot. We still have her feelings to consider. It's not like she has this same kind of emotion towards me you know?

…

Hey, I've been waiting for an awful lot by now. What is taking her so long? Could it be that she's not coming afterall?

…

Dammit Hachiman! I knew that using the shoe locker letter trick won't work? Don't you remember the many times she told you that she has already received so many confession letters via that way to the point that she got sick of it? Why couldn't you just told her personally? Why not mail her?

…

Oh. That's right. Due to certain circumstances, club activities have been temporarily suspended. Nothing serious. Just giving us service club members a break. And oh, I still don't have her number nor e-mail. Quite funny noh? We've been in the same club for almost two years by now, yet we still don't have each other's e-mail ad nor number.

I know. Considering that she rejected my friendship proposal repeatedly, maybe it's not that surprising. Still, I find it quite amusing. I even have her sister's phone number! I have the blonde bastard's. Heck, I even have Miura's! Plenty amusing!

I don't know if its pride or whatnot. Now I wonder if things would have been different if we had each other's contact details all this time.

…

Nope.

…

Sigh.

Well, I guess that she's not coming afterall. Pretty disappointing what her reason. Whether it because she haven't read the letter, or whether she already read it but chose to ignore it, the outcome is this still the same: the Hachiman won't be able to make his confession today. Although I admit, I'd cry if her reason is the latter.

…

Welp, seems like I've waited long enough. I should get going. It's gonna be late soon. Since I'm no longer going to eat outside (I was planning on taking her out should my confession result to something good), I might as well go home now.

Ah.

Truly disa-

"H-hikigaya-kun!"

Ah.

How cliché.

The last minute appearance. A proven and tested tool used by authors to extend the suspense. I didn't expect Yukinoshita to use it though. One of her qualities is being blunt and direct afterall. I don't think sly is one of those.

But eh, I can't complain that much really. At least she responded to my letter. Now all that needs to be done is for me to execute my plan.

"Yo."

"…I'm sorry." _Hm? Yukinoshita apologizing? That's certainly something you don't see everyday._

"Whatever are you sorry for?"

"I uh- I… almost didn't want to come here."

Oh? Is she trying to tell me something here?

"I see."

What was her reason for not almost not coming here? Is it because she didn't want to hear what have to say? Is that it?

…

That's a pretty sad thing to hear. Why would she not? It's not like I'm expecting from her or anything. I just want to pour my heart out. Just like what Yuigahama did. It's liberating. That's all.

…

Okay Hachiman, let's be optimistic here. Maybe that was not her reason at all. As far as I can remember, I didn't write my name on the letter (I know. Pretty stupid of me. I don't know what came to me when I did that. Honest!). Since no name was on the letter, maybe she thought it was just another one of those hopeless suitors of hers? Or maybe she thought it was even worse, a tasteless prank.

Well, there is that possibility that she may have guessed that it was me. It's probably non-existent though. I mean, just look at me. You know who I am. Who would ever think that I'd be doing this? I wouldn't.

…

Argh! All this thinking won't get me anywhere! Didn't I already say that my plan here is to let her know what I feel towards her? Without expecting too much? Without regrets for whatever happens after?

To hell with these reservations!

"Hey Yukinoshita… I-"

* * *

 **Loners, Love, and Everything in Between – End**

 **[1] Reference to Shiba Tatsuya a.k.a Onii-sama of The Irregular at Magic High School**

 **A/N Ha. Haha. Was that just a whole wall of nothing or was it? Ha. Anyways, just a little writing exercise before I start with my writing for the next chapter Of Losses and Gains. I'm sorry if you felt that I wasted your time for making your read this, but I did warn you earlier. Haha!**


	2. Yukilogue

**Loners, Love, and Him in Between**

When was the last time I received a confession? Not that I care really. I'm just… I don't know, amazed by the fact? Hmm. Maybe amused is the more appropriate word.

I still remember the time when I received numerous confessions, sometimes even simultaneously. Not all of them necessarily came from the other sex by the way.

Ah, those days.

Horrible.

The experience was tiring, unsolicited, chaotic. It never resulted to anything positive. All I got from it is ridicule, probably trauma? It's not easy to say NO everytime someone confesses their 'love' to you know? Bear in mind that I wasn't always this… cold, as what _he_ would say (he branded me Sobu's Ice Queen… not that I approve of it). So to have to break a number of 'vulnerable' hearts, a girl could only take so much before she snaps right?

Being the target of many other girls' envy did not help with things either. You'll be the talk of the class. You'll be the perfect backstab material, even though you can still hear them. You'll be their common enemy. They will stop at nothing to take you down.

And they say that boys are the rowdy, malevolent, barbaric ones. Oh no no no, I cannot stress enough how wrong that statement is. Girls are more malicious than boys will ever be. I would know. I have firsthand experience afterall.

And what did I get after all that stressful phase in my life? Nothing. In fact, I lost something, or rather, someone. But looking back at it now, with how things worked out for me, I guess I don't really mind the loss. I have the club. I have a friend. A genuine friend. And I have _him,_ not a friend but probably more than that. Maybe.

Confessions still kept coming when I entered high school, but thankfully, they are not as often as they once were when I was in middle school. There's not much difference in the execution but I could somehow feel less sincerity from them. They probably just wanted to confess because of my reputation. That's actually insulting you know? I'm still human. I have feelings too!

As I've said though, it's been a while since I received one. When did they stop coming?

But really, I don't mind the drought. It's just that, what caused things to change? I want to know if it is because of what I did or something else. To, you know, if it ever is because of what I did, I want to replicate it when I enter college. So that I could avoid having to live through that traumatic phase of my life ever again. I quite like the peace and quiet.

Now onto more pressing matters.

What made me think of this? It's not like I'll just think of this out of a whim right? There are more thought-worthy things to think of like pan-san, cats, the majestic Kamakura-sama (who, by the way, is still the most adorable cat I have ever known). So what really made one Yukinoshita Yukino think about confessions? Specifically, confessions of love, affection, admiration, or something along those lines.

…

It has probably something to do with what Yuigahama-san told me the other day. She told me that she plan on confessing to someone. I instantly knew who that someone is. I'm not blind. I'm not heartless. Even I know what it feels to be in love. Additionally, if it wasn't this someone (who I already knew was), why would Yuigahama-san tell me? It wouldn't make any sense!

It bothered me. It made me feel emotions that I haven't felt before. It made me question my status of life as of the moment.

Sure, I supported her. I let her do what she wanted to do. But I can't help but feel a tinge of regret. I can't help but feel a little bit of anger towards her. I can't help but feel that she was being cruel to me.

I don't know what would happen if ever her confession results to them being together. Would we still be keeping in touch? Should I give them space? Will things be still the same between us? Will our bonds break?

It scares me to think that I'll lose the two people to whom I invested a lot of my self with. I feel that they're the two people who understands me the most. They are the ones who I'm most comfortable with. What would I do if I lose them?

…

That's not the most scariest thought I had though. I know it's hard to believe, but the thought of losing _him_ scared me more than the thought of losing Yuigahama-san. Is that even an appropriate sentiment to have as a friend of hers? I don't want to admit it, but I cried that night.

A mix of emotions.

My wall of insecurities building itself back up again.

The thought of losing _him._ Losing them both.

Who would have thought that the great Yukinoshita Yukino who prides herself to be self-sufficient is actually weak? Not that I say that I am invincible. I just want to appear as such. Because of what had happened to me when I let my weaknesses take over.

…

Why am I being so pessimistic? That Stupid. Idiot. Nincompoop. Hachiman. _He_ did this to me, didn't he? Of all the qualities he has, why is his pessimism the one that I acquire? There's already enough pessimists in the club.

...

Alright Yukino. You can do this. Let's think of the positives. What would the two closest people to me becoming a couple bring to the table? For starters, I can be glad(?) that the both of them found happiness for each other? That's a good start right?

Hmmm. What else?

…

I can't think of anything else. All I could think of is the very huge possibility of losing them both. I don't know if I can handle seeing them both happy with each other. I'd feel left behind.

Just like what happened years ago.

…

Receiving a shoe locker letter definitely doesn't make things any better. It only reminded me of the mental and emotional roller coaster that I was in. Maybe I'm still riding it.

I'm surprised at myself though. Why haven't I just ignored like I did with most of the shoe locker letters I received? I'm still here contemplating whether I should open and read it or not. That's pretty uncharacteristic of me don't you think?

Granted that the letter may not even be a confession of love, but given the timing, I cannot believe that it is nothing but. I only wish that the sender wrote his _or_ her name on the cover. But s/he didn't. How irresponsible!

To be honest though, when I first saw it, the letter, the first who came into mind was _him_. And I really don't know why that was so. I mean, _him_? I would never think that _he_ 'd pull such feat. If _he_ ever wanted to confess _his_ feelings, _he_ 'd do it upfront. Just like what _he_ did with that fake confession of _his_.

…

Urgh! Why do I have to remember that despicable act of _his_? I already have enough trauma-inducing memories on the table.

…

Come on Yukino. You can do better than this. In the end of it all, what you're holding is just a letter. Nothing to worry much about. And if it is indeed a letter of confession, then just do what you always do.

…

But what if it is indeed from _him_? What if it is a letter of love confession from _him?_ What am I supposed to do?

…

Maybe I should read the letter first.

…

….

…

Stupid. Nincompoop. Hachiman.

It is _him_ alright. This letter. It just reeks so much of _him_. The penmanship. The sentence structure. The choice of words.

It is definitely _him._

The letter may only contain two sentences, but I can, with utmost confidence, without chance of failure, definitely say that it is from _him_.

The intent of the letter is still a mystery though. It only essentially says that _he_ has something important to tell me, and _he_ will be waiting at a certain spot. What am I supposed to do with this really?

What if _he_ wants to tell me that he accepted Yuigahama-san's feelings? Would I be able to take the news? Would I be able to stay strong and not cry in front of him? Would I be able to accept it?

…why would _he_ tell me that, if ever it is, though? I mean, I'm not his mother. He doesn't need my permission. We're not dating. So maybe it really is something else?

…

What if it is indeed a confession of love? Will I be able to accept it? Am I allowed to? What about Yuigahama-san? Would it be okay for me to say YES?

Truth be told, I am not averse on the idea of dating _him_. I just never got to the point of wanting to confess to _him_ though. I don't know how. And I'm more afraid of _him_ rejecting it than elated of _him_ accepting it.

I am certain that I like _him_. I enjoy spending time with _him,_ even if it appears to be not so. I treasure the moments we share together.

Above all, after _he_ shared to us _his_ primal desire, _his_ want of the genuine, I wanted to become much more closer to _him_. I want to be there when _he_ finally gets what _he_ desires.

…if it is indeed a confession of love, and if I ever do accept it, what would happen of us? Of the club? Of Yuigahama-san? Am I allowed to pursue my own happiness in the expense of someone else's?

...

Maybe the right thing to do here is to just walk away. Make it appear that I never got _his_ letter. Pretend that all of this never happened. Act like usual. It certainly won't make things better, but at least it won't make things worse right?

…

But what if Yuigahama-san did what she did to make all of this happen? What if she's no longer content with our state of affairs? Wouldn't that make the goal of preserving it useless?

…

Argh! This is frustrating!

So frustrating!

What am I really supposed to do?

…

Gah! I don't care anymore!

I've been deprived of happiness all my life, and this here is a chance for one. It'd be idiotic of me not to take it. Even if there is the chance of it being only temporary, I will still take it! The consequences be damned!

And if it is not what I think it is, the so be it. I've had enough of being insecure. I've had enough of living in someone else's shadow.

So Hikigaya Hachiman, please wait for me for I am coming for you.

* * *

 **Loners, Love, and Him in Between – End**

 **A/N So here, accept this added chapter as my apology. I really wanted to make things vague. But I figured out that maybe the Oregairu fandom has had enough. Yukino might be OOC here, but eh, I tried.**


End file.
